Monday
At 5:00am on Sunday morning, crept into Crispy's apartment to finally go to bed. In my mind, I was being really quiet and whispering so that no one was disturbed. In reality, I was semi-yelling and knocking things over as I stumbled through the dark house. Woops.
Awkwardly slept on one side of Crispy's double bed. Was disgusted when he woke up and announced that he was dripping with sweat because he wasn't used to sleeping with clothes on.
After less than two hours of restless, uncomfortable sleep, I was suddenly woken up and told that we had 30 mins before we had to leave for school. It is hard enough for me to get out of bed on a Monday morning, let alone when I am still drunk and have had less than 2 measly hours of sleep.
Crispy's milf mum drove us to school and shouted us maccas on the way. The drive-thru attendant had heavy, caked on and way-too-orange foundation that only covered her nose, forehead and cheeks. Her neck was contrastingly white and, as CookieDough described, "she looked like she got out of bed and dipped her face in a pavlova".
Just as we were almost at school, the car overheated in heavy traffic. We awkwardly thanked Crispy's mum for the lift and got the tram the rest of the way, leaving her stuck in the Bundoora Veterinary Clinic carpark.
Arrived on time for our final assembly, in which the Year 12's time capsules from Year 7 were handed out. I was evidently a lazy piece of shit as far back as Yr7, because I did not make a time capsule. I felt really sad for myself when everyone else was reminiscing.
I was entertained, although, by CookieDough's contents in his time capsule. When asked to put in a picture from the newspaper that caught his attention, he naturally cut out a picture from the sports section of two men in short shorts in what could either be interpreted as a football tackle or, alternatively, testosterone fuelled anal rape.
Media was my last class of school, ever. It ironically reflected my entire 2009 and consisted of chatting and lolling with friends while doing absolutely no work.
The second half of the day involved the whole year level being taken on an excursion to a place called 'Fun Fields'. FunFields can be translated into a big slab of land with various mediocre attractions in the middle of absolute nowhere. Although, I must admit, I enjoyed stretching the limits of how fast a toboggan can really go.
Had a major laugh when my toboggan caught up with Crispy's about three quarters of the way through the track, when we had taken off at least 300 metres after each other.
Laughed a lot when I mentioned a song and CookieDough said, "Oh! I haven't listened to that song in almost a yonk!" I also enjoyed the swimming pool attraction, without getting wet.
Overall it was fun, despite the fact that i felt like i was about to DIE at the end of a very long day.
Random: apparently, in 2004, the year I began high school, one of the Top40 hits was a song called 'Got Some Teeth?', by Obie Trice.
Tuesday
Last day of school. Ever.
The fact that this day has actually come and gone is still surreal to me now. For years and years I have hated going to school more than anything and I have counted down to the time when I am finally done with it all. Strangely, this whole year has gone by so quickly that I haven't once yearned for it to be over.
Despite the significance of this day, it did not feel all that special at the time. We had classes in the morning and then got into our Muck-up Day costumes. My mother had suggested the only good idea for what I should wear, and I ended up going as Mr. G from Summerheights High. I wore a shirt and tie with gay undertones and put a little fluffy dog on a leash to be my pet dog, Celine.
The majority of the year level dressed up for Muck-up Day as women. I don't get it. Why does everyone use their last day of high school as an excuse to wear drag? All the jocks and muzzers can do it and be seen as totally normal, yet i know that if i had worn a dress to Muck-up Day, no, that would just be weird and creepy.
At the very end of the day I wanted to sit down somewhere with my friends and wait an extra five minutes to hear the bell go on our last day ever. Because everyone is annoying and indecisive, we stood around in the foyer discussing where to sit down and eventually we missed the fucking bell. I was genuinely upset that I missed this supposedly monumental and significant bell-time. 5 minutes later, I was over it.
Because... I HAVE OFFICIALLY FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I survived Parade College.
Wednesday
On the train, overheard a girl who was sobbing on the phone after she left her uni folio on another carriage. I decided, then and there, that folios of any form cause nothing but suffering.
On Wednesday, I also shat into a sandwich bag.
Without going into too much incriminating detail, my major Muck-up Day prank involved smearing shit around the hang-out place of some Paradians that I hate. I literally pooed into a sandwich bag, left it outside for a day and then went to my school in the middle of the night armed with sanitary gloves and made a real mess. I am both ashamed and proud to say that I did this. As disgusted as you may be, I promise I used gloves and I washed my hands thoroughly afterwards. Besides, I felt this was truly necessary for my emancipation.
Thursday
The day of my Italian Oral. Was slightly nervous but knew that I would be okay. Went in and literally chatted with 2 lovely fat Italian ladies about school and Italian Immigration in Australia after the Second World War. It was not really worth the stress and I was actually very happy with how it went.
Afterwards, I travelled for numerous hours on public transport to deal drugs at a kiddie's school crossing.
Had a HILARIOUS night with Mother Goose, RSVP and CookieDough. Under major influences, we had a 4 minute discussion about images we could see in the leaves of a tree. An excerpt of the recording I made is below:
ME: What does it look like?
RSVP: It's a devil... it has devil's horns.
ME: It's a running teddy bear... with a trunk!
DOUGH: I see a running poodle.
ME: It's got... No, it's got 4 legs AND two arms.
GOOSE: It's got three legs.
ME: Guys, it's got three limbs!
RSVP: I see a bear doing an Attitude turn.
ME: Oh yes, definitely... (gasping) ooh!! aah!! Oh, I can literally see his eyes and the tongue and the trunk and the... and the many, many legs! And one of them is really long, compared with the others. So it must have a limp.
DOUGH: Oh my god... can you see an evil face? There!
ME: okay, the elephant is back. It's waving its arms. What do you see Maddi?
GOOSE: I'm seeing... an elephant. You know from that show Babar?
We then concurred that it was some sort of elephant character from the TV show Babar, which I'm sure many of you will remember from your childhood.
I never thought Cookie Dough (the food, not the friend) could EVER taste as good as it did on Thursday night.
Friday
After my adventurous day on toboggans at FunFields, my face was a little bit sunburnt. Pleased at the first sign of good sun for months and with the beginnings of a tan, I put a bit of 'After Sun Spray' to make sure it didn't peel or anything disgusting. Unfortunately, I don't think this spray was meant to be used on my face, because minutes later my whole face was BURNING. It stung so much, I could almost hear my skin sizzling. I wanted to avoid any slight peeling from my mild, hardly noticeable sunburn. Instead, the "soothing" spray burnt my face and for the past week my skin has been flaking off like coconut sprinkles.
Saturday
Dreamt I was at a party, but snuck into a bedroom to have a quick nap because I was tired. When I woke up, all my friends had left and I had no way of contacting them; I was stranded. No one would let me borrow their phones and the only person who did had a phone with buttons that did not work, so I couldn't call anyone. I woke up feeling very anxious, not knowing where I was and trying to figure out how the fuck to get home. I was needless to say relieved when I realised I was home.
Sunday
I was NOT relieved, however, when I woke up at 7:30am on Sunday morning and had to get ready for a 9 hour shift at work.
At work, two girls came through the doors repeating directions someone had given them to find a room. "Through the door and to the left..." one of the girls repeated. I watched them as they walked in, turned to their right hand side and looked at the dead end, confused. I then told them, "Left is that way" and pointed in the opposite direction. I felt embarrassed on their behalf.
So that is my week. Even though I officially have finished High School, upon writing this, it does not feel like an epic week for me. I guess that's because it hasn't really sunk in yet. I'm not quite sure when it's going to hit. When I finish writing this, I'll probably get up to go to the toilet and my heart will stop when it finally hits me that this part of my life is over. I will go into cardiac arrest and die a sudden death on my toilet floor, my eyes still open wide, staring up at the fluorescent lights.
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