Shopping Plazas and Spelling Revelations

MONDAY 28th SEPTEMBER


This was the week I found out that I had been spelling the word 'practice' incorrectly for most of my life. I always thought it was spelled 'practise' but apparently not.

This week was also the week good old Practice Exams started. Now, I am apparently a freak for feeling this way, but I really enjoy the whole exam process. I like the idea of testing your knowledge.  I also like the idea of 100+ people being in one room in silence. 

Practice exams are especially useful because they are where I found out most of the semester's curriculum.

I do not, however, enjoy going to Practice Exams on my holidays.

Today I had my English exam, which consisted mainly of me retracting long and overly-wordy sentences from my anus. I think it went quite well.

Went out for lunch with CookieDough and Betty's Driver after the exam. Spent the majority of the time screaming and laughing at CookieDough and his horrendous loss of virginity to someone literally twice his age.

Tuesday

Italian exam today. Arrived late, realised as I hurriedly sat down and caught my breath that i had FORGOTTEN TO BRING MY DICTIONARY. For anyone who has never done a foreign language before, a bilingual dictionary is an essential survival tool when you come across a word you don't know. Which, for me, usually happens at least 3 times per sentence.

Bluffed my way through the exam. I don't know my results yet but it is likely that I interpreted the completely wrong meanings of the articles. Good day!

That night, I had gone to bed at an acceptable hour but was woken to a phonecall at 4:00am from my ChineseWasherWoman. Expecting a phone call consisting of blaring music with a distant "LUKE!!!!! HELLO?!?!" I was surprised to hear no loud noises. I was also surprised and concerned to hear her sobbing and crying incomprehensibly. Asking her what was wrong, she replied "She's dead, Luke. She's dead." Obviously shitting my pants and thinking that someone close to both of us had died in some alcohol-related freak accident, I was stressing out. However, the 'she' referred to was actually her beautiful little dog, Tara. While Tara was not what I considered a close friend, I have never known a dog to be so constantly excited and happy as she, and it I was very sad for my friend! I would be forever traumatised if one of my dogs had died because I know how much they can mean to an owner. R.I.P Tara!! Xx

Wednesday

Today I had two exams - Media and then Music. Totally aced the Media exam without actually knowing any of the curriculum before Tuesday night. Music exam did not include any of the Aural component, so basically did not count.

Went through all my old things trying to find a box full of old tap shoes from my childhood, which brought back a lot of memories. Eventually I found the particular pair I was looking for, to lend to Buddy for an audition. Was offered money, DVD's and many other goods and services in return for the shoes, including illegal drugs. Unfortunately, the offer of weed was only a joke. 

Thursday

Had my last Practice exam today, Psychology. Thankfully, my 12 minutes of studying paid off when I was generally familiar with the content of the exam. My 'study', which consisted of completing 15 multiple choice questions the morning of the exam, caused a momentary panic in which I realised that I was going to fail. When I looked at all of the answers, they were ALL wrong. Freaking out, I was confused when every basic principle of psychology that I had applied in giving my answers seemed to be contradicted in the 'correct' responses. I was extremely relieved, however, to realise that I was marking my answers to a different set of questions. VCE is really, really stressful. 

After my exam, I had to catch the good old bus back to Greensborough and wait for another connecting bus home. While waiting at the bus stop of Greensborough Plaza (a truly lovely place, might I add), I was disgusted at the people that surrounded me. I, like most people, claim to be a generally non-judgmental person, however, it is impossible not to feel somewhat repulsed by the people who spend most of their time hanging out at shopping centres. Neither coming nor going somewhere else... their destination is the entrance to the plaza and there they will stay for hours on end. 

There is one girl who I often see on my bus in the mornings, wearing her school uniform and catching a bus in the opposite direction of her school. I am not one to condemn wagging at all but this girl wags school in order to hang out at the local shopping centre in her caked-on makeup and skirt that looks like she's cut it in half. Many times she has caught my bus early in the morning and has STILL been there, smoking cigarettes and polluting the air outside Greensborough at the end of the day when I am on my way home.

I go to Greensborough Plaza all the time and am more than used to seeing the odd bum crack of a 17yo mother of two. Another favourite sight at Greensborough is the man who carries his pet rat around - on his shoulder. One jolly afternoon I had the pleasure of witnessing a gang of fun-loving youngsters smoking weed at a crowded bus stop. I have also sat next to a woman who was holding a huge tuft of hair which she bragged about  ripping out of another woman's scalp. She tied it onto a nearby pole, just like a pretty ribbon.

As I said, it's a lovely place and I am more than accustomed to the type of people that frequent it. On this day, however, I was SHOCKED at the concentration of freaks that seemed to have tripled since I last went there. I thought that maybe it was a Carer-free day at the local mental health facility. Wanting to avoid the body odour and screaming bogans, I sat down at the part of the bus stop away from most other activity. Then, along came Little-Miss Bourbon and her anorexic velvet-tracksuit-wearing friend, who sat down right near me. Without my headphones and obviously being too close to other people to talk to myself as I so often do, I instead observed these two specimens, trying to figure them out. While drinking bourbon and coke (it was 4:00 in the afternoon), the overweight woman belched several times. She then got up to check the bus timetable, generously parading her oversized muffin tops (is there a term for muffin tops coming from over the armpits of a singlet top?) right near me, she then started shaking in a very odd way. Expecting some sort of seizure, I then noticed the headphones in her ears and realised that apparently, she was dancing.

Here are just a few reasons why she should not have been dancing: it was 4:00pm and broad daylight; she was rather overweight and severely under-dressed; her dancing looked more like a disabled person trying to escape from an invisible straight-jacket and oh, I almost forgot, SHE WAS AT A BUS STOP.

I must admit, though, I was highly entertained, even though I had to try and hide my smile/laughter as she probably would have punched me out if she had noticed.

Now seriously, people can do whatever they want. If people want to be bogans that's their choice, I don't have a problem with it. But they don't need to go throwing their lifestyle choices in my face!

Friday

Had approximately 3 hours sleep, despite the fact that I went to bed early. This was because I was woken up by another call from my ChineseWasherWoman, this time at the more reasonable hour of 1:00am. Concerned that this time a friend of ours had really died, I picked up in a hurry. Thankfully, there had been no tragic accident involving a beer-bong and a falling roof panel, resulting in massive trauma to the esophagus causing instant death,  as I had originally feared. Instead, she was bored and wanted to come pick me up.

I have written about these events partly because they occurred, technically, in the wee hours of Friday morning and partly because I already wrote way too much in Thursday's entry. Sorry everyone!

Anyway, after waking up and getting dressed, I then snuck out of the house (which I hadn't done in a surprisingly long time) and met her halfway up the street, waiting for me at the wrong house. The first 5 minutes consisted of me laughing uncontrollably in a misplaced fear-response to the fact that this mental driver was legally allowed to control a vehicle on our roads. Fed up with the countless roundabouts in the northern suburbs, she literally DROVE OVER one of them in order to give her arms a rest from steering. We then both felt extremely anxious driving past a police car, despite the fact that no laws were being broken (except for her dangerous driving, perhaps, which was suddenly very slow and controlled). In pyjamas, it would not have been surprising if someone had reported two 12yo adopted siblings going for a joyride in their unsuspecting parents' stolen car.

When I got home around 3:00am, I simply could not get back to sleep. This normally would not have mattered much, except for the fact that I had a very big day coming up!

You see, Friday was also the day that I shot my Media photos. After doing the majority of my folio in a record 24 hours, I had yet to actually produce my final piece. The premise of my piece was "to create a series of images that challenge and question society’s tendency to make judgements about someone based on their appearance. In the individual shots, I will be using the same model in very different styles of clothing and appearance, highlighting how one can be seen very differently based on the way the choose to look."

I had booked the studio of my acting classes so that I could use their professional lights, etc. My friend and hair-product model of the year, Selena, was the subject for the photos. I had spent $50 at Savers (in the beautiful Greensborough, might I add) buying mostly hideous clothing to go with each image but thankfully she was able to bring many of the costumes from home. We met in the city early and headed in to the studio.

Turns out, the actual taking of the photos was not something to be dreaded. I actually had a really fun time, forcing Selena to dress up in hideous costumes and laughing a lot at the ill-fitting maternity-wear. Costume pieces included bright orange Sailor pants and velvet tracksuit pants (Greensborough plaza-style) as highlights. I was very very grateful to Selena for agreeing to do the photos and was really happy with how they turned out. Once they've been edited, etc., I may even put some on this blog.

After she left to go to work, I met up with my grandparents in the city to go and see the Salvador Dali exhibition. I know I must sound pretty cool to you right now, but I really enjoy spending time with them and had wanted to see the exhibition for ages. After lining up for literally an hour and complaining the whole time about my sore feet to my 70+ elderly grandparents, we finally got in. A lot of the art was seriously  incredible and I especially liked the animated short film. As with most creative/artistic geniuses (geni...?), Dali was absolutely fucked in the head.

Saturday

Was very disappointed when nothing exciting to do came up for Friday or Saturday nights. In the end, however, Tevye came and picked me up and we went to Sondheim's parentless house. Unable to find the energy to explain why I was leaving the house at 10:30pm, I decided it would be much easier on everyone if I sneaked out. Unfortunately, had to resort to the old Slow-Motion Slide to get out unnoticed. The Slow-Motion Slide involves creeping at an extremely slow pace from one place to another in order to create minimal noise. I literally slid my feet down the hallway so slowly that you probably wouldn't even have known I was moving, if you had been there to watch.

Eventually I got out and we went to Sonheim's. Not having anything to do, I ended up drinking an oversized bottle of bourbon and coke. This is my death-drink and it makes me feel sick just smelling it, but I felt some craving for contamination and it was my only option. I was disgusted further, however, when I read on the label that it only consisted of 5% alcohol... definitely not enough for the pain and suffering I was going through in trying to finish that heinous drink. I would rather drink my own piss. If it had more than 5% alcohol concentration, that is.

I was disappointingly sober the entire night but this was probably a good thing seeing as I had absolutely no reason to be drinking.

Sunday

Got out of bed at around 1:30pm. For some reason I was in a really, really bad mood - the sort of mood where you scream at the t-shirt you left on the floor for "getting in the way".

Wanting to get out of the house where I am less likely to scream at inanimate objects, I mustered up the motivation to take one of my dogs for a walk. This was a bit of a risk considering my bad mood, seeing as she can be really annoying with her incessant energy. It was only supposed to be a short walk but I ended up going for more than an hour, exploring a new-found nature reserve with an actual river running through it, with rapids and everything. I was slightly calmed by the scenery, only to have another outburst whenever the dog's leash got entangled around a tree trunk, which was at least every 5 minutes.

Got home and was privileged to look forward to my return to that wonderous place of joy, love and fulfillment: Parade College!

Porn, Pedos and POO.

MONDAY

First day of the last week of term. After that, there are 2.5 weeks left of school for the rest of my life.

First day of the week and already the quote of the week emerged.

"Did that freak you out?" 

- "Luke, you know me. It would take a four-legged ostrich on coke to freak me out".

The person in question has a more random life than me or anyone else I know. So random, in fact, that she also writes a blog. This blog was my inspiration to create this one. Check it out here: www.eventsoftheweekbyeden.blogspot.com

TUESDAY

Once again, I was astounded at the talent of my friends. Sondheim, one of my oldest and best friends, has written a show based on the story of 'The Little Match Girl'. I had heard some of the songs before, but was not prepared for the brilliance I would witness on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday when the cast got together for the first time for a workshop. I had been asked to be in the ensemble and even being just a small part of this amazing thing is an honour.

On Tuesday, renowned vocal coach and musical director Michael Lavine from Broadway, NYC literally came to Sondeim's HOUSE to help out and listen to his work. The significance of this is not something I can put into words. He usually costs $140/hour and he came to listen to The Little Match Girl for free. He loved it so much he stayed for several hours.

Meanwhile, one of the cast members, BatBoy, seems to have gone tone-deaf in the past few months. The renowned vocal coach from the US literally spent 30 minutes trying to get him to sing one line with the correct notes. He couldn't. It literally got to the stage where this guy was playing a note on the piano and said "Sing this" and he physically could not do it. No one knows why I literally cried with laughter and had to leave the room.

Ate PECAN PIE for the first time in my life and literally orgasmed over how amazing it was!

WEDNESDAY

Rehearsed some more for LMG and then performed it for a small audience of Sondheim's family and friends. The level of musical and creative talent that has gone into the show is astounding. I honestly believe that this could really go places and I am so excited by the whole thing.

Was also astounded at the talent of Hilary Swank. Chills the whole way through - AMAZING. No one could have done it better.

Went for coffee with an amazing friend who I hadn't spoken properly to in WAY too long! 


Facebook Status of the week:
"Rachel has learnt to always check the label - BBQ sauce tastes nothing like chocolate topping on icecream, DAMNIT!"


THURSDAY

Walked around Savers in the lovely Greensborough for over an hour. I spent the entire time looking in the women's section. I do not intend to wear women's clothes but I needed all this shit for my Media project, which is coming along very slowly. Was devastated when the total cost of the clothes added up to $55.

I am determined to move out next year. Whenever I tell anyone this they always give me a look and say something like "Good luck" or "Are you sure?". Despite their reservations, I really think I will be able to make it work. I will literally live in a basement with furniture from Savers if i need to. They actually had some really cool stuff in there.

No, random woman - I would not like to be in your musical.

FRIDAY

Laughed a lot when a friend asked for the link to this blog.

"How do I find the link? I'm not familiar with pornless blogs."

Went to be in RSVP.com's media film. Despite my years of serious training, exhibited some of the worst acting OF ALL TIME.

Felt a little bit personally responsible but mostly shocked and amused when an innocent little friend went clubbing for the first time with the fake ID that I had organised for them... and ended up going home with and losing their virginity to a 33 YEAR OLD. Was absolutely speechless. My friends and I are all going downhill fast...

Was inspired and amazed once again by the lyrics of Paul Kelly. I don't particularly like the music, but to read them simply as poems, they are fucking awesome.

This one is honestly chilling but is my favourite at the same time:

THESE LIES (written with Deborah Byrne)

Grandpa was a loving man
He sat me on his knee
I remember how he'd brush his hair so tenderly
A fortunate and loving man
He whispered in my ear
This secret's just between us when no one else is near

These lies brighter than sunlight
Fairytales told in a dream
These old lies in a bedtime story
These lies have covered me

Summer's sweet and budding fruit
Lies withered on the vine
And winter's icy fingers have stolen what was mine


The stars are shining high above the snow upon the ground
Hold me close and let me know that new love comes around

These lies brighter than sunlight
Fairytales told in a dream
These old lies in a bedtime story
These lies have covered me

SATURDAY

Today was the day of the AFL Grand Final. Big day.

As the rest of Australia was watching the final minutes of the Grand Final, I was literally standing at a bus stop in the rain. WHY does my life seem to revolve around public transport?

Actually felt genuine sadness when the bus driver informed me that St. Kilda had lost the Grand Final. My dad and my brothers had gone to the game and would probably be in tears.

Caught the train in with Sondheim to a party all the way in fucking Hampton. Met up with Gaysian. Little did I know that the McDonalds that he was eating with me would be all over my body in a matter of hours.

Laughed so much at the clear juxtaposition of stereotypes: homeless man on a laptop with headgear.

Felt genuinely offended when a random man opened up a porn magazine ON THE TRAIN. Is this really necessary? Everyone was looking at him looking at soft/debatably not-so-soft porn. Another man near us declared to the whole carriage that he was "TANGING FOR A BEER!" to which the porno-guy literally got one out of his bag and gave it to him. It was lovely and generous of him but porn in public is still not okay.

The generous porno-man then left the magazine on the train, offering it to any other citizens who fancied a look. I said no thanks. It wasn't the good kind, anyway.

The second part of the night is almost inexplicable. Almost.

Arrived at the party, very happy to see some awesome friends. Walked into the kitchen and was confronted by two of my friends snorting MGMA on the kitchen bench, using their student metcards to line it up. There were less than ten people at the party. Once again, is this necessary

Was very happy to see Rio and my Chinese Washer Woman!

Went to pee in the bathroom

Felt that the party had hardly even started when we had the first vomiter. This is to be expected at a YABC party. This one, however, was shockingly early. The Gaysian's vomiting started at 11:00pm.

No one could figure out a way to get rid of the chunks of vomit still on the carpet after the initial sweeping away and I literally had to pick them up with my hands. Thankfully, I was drunk enough so that the full extent of how gross this is did not impact me at the time.

However, it did not stop at vomiting.

It probably wasn't really necessary, but at the time he needed to be upright so that his vomit did not go back down his throat. I literally jumped into the bed behind his back, straddled his torso and held him up as he munted.

I never thought that I would actually be able to say this, but I was actually shat on by another human being. Awesome.

It got to the point where we had to call an ambulance. I did the honours and it may sound fucked but I have always had a real fascination over what actually happens when you call 000. I am now pleased to say that I know what happens.

When they finally arrived, the cunt of a paramedic saw me holding him up in the bed and somehow associated all of the teenage irresponsibility that exists in the world with my little face. When he tried to blame me, I pointed out that i hardly even knew him but that I was lying in poo holding him up while we waited for him to arrive.

Decided that, despite how much of an asshole this one guy was, being a paramedic is actually a really important and admirable job. Go paramedics!

Was shocked after the ambulance left and I realised that it wasn't even midnight. What a joke!

I had some really violating/humiliating/revolting photos of the mess... Will obviously not upload them. I felt quite sorry for the Gaysian because we have all drunk way too much and done some really gross things when drunk before, he just came off worse than most other people do. I hope that perhaps in six months time he will look back and acknowledge the hilarity of the situation.

After helping to clean up the considerable mess, had a shower. Still felt dirty. Had a second one. Felt a bit better.

Walking out of my SECOND shower, was told "Woah, man - you fucking stink! You need to have a shower!" I HAD JUST HAD TWO. This hurt my feelings. Obviously, I had a third.

Still had a pretty fun night, despite all the shit that went down.

PS: I have recently been overwhelmed by the amount of people who have blogs. I thought I was a weirdo. Apparently, there are a lot of weirdos out there. For another blog of a friend who hosted this messy party, go to: www.pouncetiger.blogspot.com

SUNDAY

Woke up and spent about two hours making jokes and puns relating to poo. See above. 

Eventually left in not one piece of clothing that i owned, except for my socks. Everything had been put in the washing machine and was totally wet. I had to borrow someone else's underwear, for god's sake.

Walked home with my Chinese Washer Woman and Sondheim and screamed with laughter the whole way home. Hilarious!! An hour later was EXTREMELY glad that I had decided against drinking the rest of my vodka on the train home.

Went to Grill'd. For some reason whenever I have been drunk the night before I have extreme cravings for red meat. This is most likely due to iron/protein deficiencies but it only happens when I'm hungover.

I came to the realisation that drinking more alcohol in the morning would have been a terrible idea when getting up from the table at Grill'd I fell over, almost onto the people next to us. Was evidently still drunk.

Finally got home and collapsed into bed. Woke up again that night and tried studying for the English practice exam which was the next day. Remind me again please: what is Kite Runner?

Needed to do a shit, but could hardly bring myself to do so after Saturday night's experience.

Overall it was not a bad week.
But hopefully next week won't be so shitty!

:D

My apologies to the four people who read this blog. I have recently not had any motivation to update it since the last week. Even though it has been such a long time, I will do my best to tell you the best/worst/most interesting bits...

MONDAY

Just another day! Except it was worse than any other day seeing as it was a Monday.

Decided this week that I wasn't going to spend any money on food/crap. I need to money for actual important things (such as going out/drinking/my phone bill) and I decided that I shouldn't keep spending all of it on McDonalds after school.

First day of my new budget went well. Was severely tempted to spend money after school on food with friends. Was very glad that I left all my money and my bank card at home before I left. This is the only way I can not spend my money.

When I am in possession of my bank card, regardless of how little money is actually in the bank, I feel that it is my ticket to freedom and I can do whatever I want with it, as if it has an endless supply of money. It does not. This fact has slapped me in the face on several occasions, every one of them at a McDonalds chainstore, when I order my usual of multiple cheeseburgers and my card is declined.

I just remembered the time when I got cash out at a McDonalds register. I had spare change with me but not quite enough for what I wanted. At the same time I had less than a dollar in my bank account so asked the poor teenage girl at the register this:

"Do you have a minimum amount for Cash-Out? No? Okay, awesome. Could I please have 70 cents please. Yep, 70 cents please. Thanks."

TUESDAY

Faced up to the fact that my Media Folio, which is supposed to include the past 6 months' work in it, was due this coming Friday. I had done less than a quarter of it.

Tuesday mainly consisted of me owning up to the fact that i NEEDED to do some of it soon.

The actual doing part didn't come until several days later.

I take things one day at a time.

WEDNESDAY

Today was supposedly the most difficult day of my VCE life. In the one day, I had three SACS. This is something I had only heard about in myths. Alas, it was happening to me and despite the stress and high blood pressure that would have accompanied this day for most people, I did not study.

Had a major LOL at my friend, CookieDough. On his way to school to make it for our Media Outcome, the tram that he was on broke down. Tried to sound sympathetic on the phone as he explained that he would miss the first half of the assessment. I started the assessment with a smirk on my face. When he arrived I laughed out-loud at his red, puffed up face and his wind-swept hair. For some reason, when CookieDough is stressed out, he is the most hilarious person in the world.

During lunch laughed at CookieDough the whole time as I watched him have a break-down over VCE. All of the stress that everyone else had been experiencing all year had hit him in the span of three days. Hilarious.

This stress still hasn't hit me, and I'm dreading the day it does.

Had an English SAC. Totally bullshat my way through an imaginative story, trying to replicate one that I had written as practice. Totally fucked it up when i re-read it and realised that i had left out THE POINT OF THE STORY. Had to literally scribble in some of the most important parts in between lines and on the sides of pages.

Went to work and dreaded the fact that tomorrow was going to be the last day before my Media folio was due. That night my work consisted of writing a list of the things i had to do for the folio, as opposed to actually doing any of it.

Went to bed hating the fact that I needed to get up at 6:00am in order to go to the dreaded Rock Eisteddfod.

THURSDAY

Woke up and wanted to die right then and there, just so I could stay in bed.

Was awake way too early for something that was completely unnecessary. I was not actually a part of the Rock Eisteddfod - I think I would rather die. But seeing as one of my friends had literally created and choreographed it I thought it would be good to go alone for the day. That and also the fact that all my other friends were involved and I didn't want to be at school all on my lonesome.

So I went with absolutely nothing to do. I had no need to be there and was doing nothing important. Literally just sat around for 12 hours.

The best part of the day though was witnessing CookieDough literally experience death by folio. He had slept two hours the night before because he was up doing his folio and spent the entire day sitting in the corner, cutting and pasting. It was hilarious.

Watched Weeds for the first time. Loved it. Realised once again the negative influence television has over its audience when i literally was desperate for some marijuana just from the way it is represented in this show.

Had to listen as one of my male friends explained to me the reasons why our other male friend is one of the most amazing looking creatures on this planet. Listened as he discussed his perfect features and unsuccessfully hid an erection, all the while saying "but I'm straight!"

Was sitting with my friend watching Weeds on his laptop when an old man, about 70, walked past. He said to us, "Oh, got the good old porno up on the laptop, do we boys?", with a sly grin on his face.

"Um, no!" we both replied, slightly repulsed.

He then said "Ah well, let me know when you do!", winked, then walked away.

The thought of sitting watching porn with a friend makes me feel ill, let alone in a public place with hundreds of people around. To add an elderly man to this equation is HEINOUS.

Was also disgusted at the over-priced food at the canteen of Hisense Arena. It literally cost $8.75 for a small packet of maltesers. I literally cried out for humanity.

Discovered a large, concerning mass growing on the side of my neck. This could be troublesome.

Witnessed a secret game of Gay Chicken in the toilets. Yeah, that's a totally normal thing to do with your friends!

Watched the performance of the Rock Eisteddfod and was amazed. Possibly would go through the long and pointless day just to see it again.

FRIDAY

Tragically, I couldn't sleep in that morning as I had to get up early and start working on my folio before I went to school.

I really think that one folio in one day has got to be some kind of record.

Finally got to the printing stage. Some of my pages needed to be printed on colour paper, while others needed to be on white. Because I was short on time, I wanted to print them all out in one go so I counted all of the pages and ordered them according to what colour I wanted them. Unexpectedly, although ever so predictably, I had one measly page out of order, which meant all my photos were printed onto green paper. Awesome.

Eventually got to school with all my work printed out, only to be cut and pasted into the folder. Went to an assembly just so I could listen to a legend guest speaker.

Felt really sorry for myself having had little sleep and having done lots of work. That was until I saw CookieDough, who had not slept since TUESDAY NIGHT and had literally done over three times the amount of work as me.

Meanwhile, my media teacher told me that he had marked the assessments we did on Wednesday and he described mine as "one of the best papers I have ever read". I seriously doubted myself when I wrote that the Frankfurt school had invented the Agenda Setting Function Theory but apparently I was totes right?

Didn't attend a single class the whole day and instead spent the whole time in the library, cutting and pasting. I spent the whole time standing up over a table with all my work spread across it, slicing with a guillotine strips of cardboard and paper. I had been bending over the table for so long that after a while my nose started dripping onto my work. It may have been spinal fluid. My back was also aching from leaning over for hours on end and I decided that I needed one of those harnesses that sheep shearers have to hold them up.

EVENTUALLY, completed my folio!!!! Literally took me until 4:00pm, but I knew my teacher was still at school.

Amongst all of this I had literally forgotten that it was the last day of school. When I knocked on the staffroom door to hand my folio to my teacher, the noise was so loud I couldn't believe it. Thousands of teachers were clearly partying it up in the staffroom for the end-of-term celebrations. When my teacher opened the door, the smell of beer and wine wafted into my face, as i got a sneak peek into the seedy world of teachers behind closed doors. Was offered to come in and say hello (as a joke, i think), and told him that I would probably rather die.

Was suddenly so pleased that I had finished it and that it was the last day of term!! Went to get food with CookieDough and the RSVP-regular to celebrate the end of term.

I was pleased with myself that I hadn't spent any of my money all week and so thought it would be okay to celebrate ;)

Suddenly realised, on the way to eat, that I had not eaten FOR OVER 24 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ate chocolate at the Rock Eisteddfod and then had been so busy doing my folio that I literally skipped about 7 meals.

The wait for my burger to cook was especially long but when it arrived, my god, it was the equivalent of about 4 full-body orgasms, all concentrated in my mouth.

SATURDAY

Was finally able to sleep in properly. Was very much looking forward to one of my oldest friends 18th birthdays. She lives just around the corner from my house and I had lots of vodka left over from my last party, so i was very excited. Being able to walk home at whatever time I want in whatever state I want is pretty damn good.

However, I had not gotten her a present! Went to the good old G-borough with Mother Dearest. Looked in every feminine-looking shop I could find but still could see nothing that I wanted to get her. Eventually got her a voucher for a manicure in which they also shave and file your lower arms or something. The prices some people pay for strangers to buff their dead and hardened skin just baffles me sometimes.

On a spur-of-the-moment decision, organised to go and see Once We Lived Here again, this time with another friend of mine who I knew would like it. Had a lovely time with her getting lunch before the show and seeing it all over again. Amazing!

On the way home in her car, we saw a little dog running through heavy traffic in the rain. Worried and wanting to be good citizens, we stopped the car and tried to rescue it. Upon getting out of the car, I ran towards it, screaming and waving my arms in the air, trying to get its attention. I got its attention, alright. When it saw me it clearly crapped its pants and bolted in the opposite direction. Woops.

Went to the party! Had a fun time catching up with friends and drinking and dancing. Totally spent about 45 minutes sitting in the lounge room with her extended family, namely Peter, her elderly grandfather, chatting and laughing and just being the lift of the party. Literally organised for a Schoolies trip with Grandpa Peter to Creswick, where we can go fishing and even see the windfarms. Eventually told them all that I should probably go and spend time with the B'day girl, rather than with her extended family.

Was very disappointed in Slippers when she spent a good 30 minutes with her face in the toilet bowl. Now I'm not one to judge the vomiter, seeing as this is a famous trait of mine, however 11:30 is way to early to be munting! Poor form.

Poor form was also exhibited by two of my other friends, who wanted to go home at 1:30. I had promised them that I would walk them home, so I had to go halfway around the suburb and then come back to the party, as I was in no mind to go home. I was only just getting started. Had an amazing packet of burger rings on the way home.

Spoke to a friend on the phone. My theory was reaffirmed that people SHOULD NOT MEET OTHER PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET.

On my way back to the partay, I found a balloon with "It's A Girl!" on it. Seeing as my friend is female, I thought it would be totally fitting to bring it back as a secondary gift. Had a bit more fun when I arrived back to the party, but things were dying down. Why do people have such pathetic endurance? When I plan to have a big night, that means I won't sleeping until way after sunrise. Unfortunately, no one else shared this mantra.

At some stage, the B'day girl and Slippers went to bed for the night and I was suddenly left with no one to have fun with.

I was so bored and still really drunk and not even tired.

What I did to alleviate my boredom, however, was a wonderously BAD decision. The ensuing circumstance and experience is so horrendous that I cannot and will not ever write it in a public domain such as this blog.

I have never stooped so low. I would rather shit out my insides into my own mouth than go through what I experienced again. DEATH!!!

SUNDAY

Literally arrived home from the party at 5:45am, when the sun had well and truly risen. Went to bed without a shower and I'm pretty sure my body shut down for the next 12 hours.

Woke up at 4:00pm. Didn't get out of bed until after 6:00. Instead I spent those two hours on the phone to a few friends SCREAMING about the previous night's events.

I had a 3 hour-long shower. Didn't feel much cleaner.

Thankfully, my recovery rate for traumatic experiences is between 30 seconds and 5 minutes, after which I am able to laugh about whatever has happened. If I did not have this characteristic, I probably would not be able to survive. It does not necessarily mean I am not bothered/traumatised by situations but it simply means I am able to see the humour and use this humour in my misfortunes to make other people laugh. Come to think of it, this is mostly what this blog is about!

However, I STILL HAVE NOT FULLY RECOVERED FROM MY HORRENDOUS MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's hope I don't make any life-changing mistakes next week.

Severed Ears, Underwear Encounters and Shit.

Monday

Sent my friend the following message, in response to the terrible musical theatre show I had seen on the previous Thursday:

"Omg, meanwhile I meant to SMS you before Friday night to warn you: DO NOT go and see the show!! It was the wost thing I'd seen in AGES, and I've seen some pretty bad shit. It was so LONG! I died. Did you see it?"

To which i received the following response:

"I loved it and thought it was one of the best shows I've seen in a long time. My friend was the lead and was fucking amazing. Awkward."

Yep, pretty awkward!!

Tuesday

Woke up from a dream in which I was at school and being chased by a young girl's vicious dog. The dog attacked me several times and bit of my left ear. I then proceeded to walk around for the rest of the day with my ear in my pocket, showing it to everyone I encountered.

Wednesday

Was at work, sitting at the desk. The parents of the children we teach usually come up to to ask questions. I was at the desk doing absolutely nothing and no one else was around. Then one of the parents, who I already despised, wandered in. I ignored her, because if you make eye contact with this woman she will talk with you for hours no matter how disinterested you are. I was sitting there with my iPhone on the desk, with a message I had just receieved open on the screen. As I ignored her, she wandered towards the desk without saying anything. She then came around to the my side of the desk and literally pulled up a chair, sitting down as if she was in charge. Without saying anything, this idiot woman leaned over and started reading the text message on my phone. Speechless, I couldn't even move my hands to take it away and I watched her as she scrolled through my personal text messages.

Who the FUCK does that? I have no idea.

I shuddered with repulsion and eventually took my phone away from her as she had a one-sided conversation with me about her new Twitter account. I hate this woman and no doubt she will return next week, probably to ask me what colours my pubes are or something else about my private life, because apparently things like that are her business.

Later that night after the fuckhead woman left, I was sitting on a chair doing nothing. Then, i slightly shifted my weight to make myself more comfortable. Somehow, I managed to severely damage my ass and since then I haven't been able to sit down or walk properly without my coxic bone aching.


Thursday

My headphones are broken :-(

At least I won't get caught belting on my walks home by passers-by.

On Thursday I was walking home from the bus stop, obviously without my headphones. When I arrived home I realised that I had spent the entire 3km walk talking to myself, out-loud.

Late at night, I thought I could get away with walking down the hallway in only my underwear, seeing as no one else was around. Turned out, my brother thought the exact same thing at the exact same times and we both ended up walking towards each other in our underpants. Awkard.

Friday

Had a really, really good day.

Quote of the day (about rangas): "It's really strange... They're just like blue lollies - so unnatural." -T.M

Late at night I felt really emotionally sensitive for some reason, as if I was ready for something to make me cry. Except there was nothing for me to be upset about... life's tough!

Saturday

Had a nice sleep in and then went and got a haircut. When I called them up to book an appointment, i felt really awkward about requesting a certain hairdresser. The only time I'd ever been really happy with a haircut was with this girl but I've been to scared to ask for her again. Do people always request a particular person? I have no idea. Apparently this is normal behaviour but I just felt really awkward about it.

This day was also the first officially nice day of spring. It was so warm and sunny that no matter what happened, everyone was in a good mood. I literally sunbaked on the bed of a creek half the day. Uncharacteristically, I was not stumbled upon by a stranger in an awkward situation, as I would have expected.

Went to see 'Once We Lived Here', a new musical written and performed by some people I know. I'd heard so much about it and was really excited to see it. We had to go early to get tickets at the door but sitting at the bottom of the stairs was a woman who, from behind, looked EXACTLY like my mother. She had the same hair, clothes, handbag and even the same watch as my mother. I freaked out because I had clearly told my mother I was at a completely different place that night with completely different people, doing completely different things. Luckily, this woman was not my mother and I was able to see the show in peace!

The show was incredible. I absolutely loved the whole thing - I can't remember the last time I have seen something that good!! The cast was brilliant and the fact that I knew some of them and the composer made it all the more enjoyable. I think I want to see it again. The audience was literally laughing and crying within seconds of each other. At several stages I had tears in my eyes that were interrupted by fits of laughter, soon to be replaced by fresh tears. Amazing!!!!

After the show I had planned to go out with some of my friends. A few other friends were also there and so they came along too. The bar we went to was cool but we definitely stayed there for way too long. Afterwards we were trying to get a taxi to go to a club but there were none to be found. On the way, a friend told me that I had a rash on my face. Telling me that I was going into anaphylactic shock and that I would need an epipen, we went into a 7/11 to find a mirror. Upon inspection in the little mirror at the sunglasses stand, it was evident that the 'rash' on my face was simply my bad skin. Awesome.

Eventually it was getting late and some of the others went home, afterwhich we eventually found a taxi and went to this club. There was an enormously obese bouncer out the front who I didn't recognise, but every other time I'd been there they had let me in with my fake ID. This time, the bouncer told me that he didn't believe that I was 18 and said "Just give me a minute and I'm sure I'll be able to peel off this plastic layer and reveal the original licence", to which i shat my pants. He peeled it off and then refused to give it back. He was enjoying it so much. He asked me what I was doing with my life and started to give me a lecture. He wanted to know what I wanted to achieve in life when I'm underage and getting into clubs and I was really, really tempted to say: "I want to become a bouncer. That way I get to go on a power trip every night and it doesn't matter how fat I get because it looks like I'm better at my job".

If i had said that I'm pretty sure I would be dead. So I settled for simply screaming out "FUCK YOU!" from the window of the taxi as we drove away.

Thankfully I was able to stay at a friend's house and was so glad that I did because she had the most comfortable bed I have EVER slept in. Amazing.

Sunday

Upon waking up at 9:00am, the first thing I did was pour myself another large drink of vodka and orange juice. This was possibly the best idea I have ever had. I was drunker at 10:45am than I was the night before. I met up with T.M at Flinders St for approximately 6mins until his train came. He spent these 6mins laughing at me. I didn't mind.

Got home, slept for a few hours. Previously, I had planned to spend my Sunday doing my Media Folio, which is due this Friday. I didn't.

That night I went with my parents and brother to see 'UP'. This was seriously one of the BEST movies I have seen in ages! I have never laughed that much or that loud in a cinema in my entire life. Anyone reading this (what, like all 3 of you?) should definitely go see this. It was awesome.

Monday

Went to school for the first time with my new haircut. Big day.

Was asked by my friend, "Did you get your hair cut at the place you usually go?", to which i said "Yes". He then said to me, "Oh, that's weird. They usually do it good there". Awesome.

Had an argument with my mum after she found out that I had lost my wallet, again. She complains that I've lost it every year for the past 6 years. Little does she know that I've actually lost my wallet three times THIS year, this is just the first time she has found out about it.

In the ensuing argument she complained about the fact that I lost things. I explained to her that the fact I don't have my wallet or that I got a fine for not having a metcard does not actually affect her in any way and that she should just shut up about it. All I wanted was for her to find the receipt for my yearly metcard so that I could get it renewed and wouldn't have to pay the fine. She said that she didn't want to do it tonight and would do it another day when she finds the time. In her busy schedule, of course.

Her relentless bitching continued. She told me that i can go "shove it up my ass". What 'that' is, I don't know. I then said to her that she is very immature, to which she said "I'm just as mature as you!" I then pointed out to her that if that was the case, then she should be embarrassed because she is a 47yo woman, whereas I am 17.

She then said that she had to stoop to my level when talking to me. I asked her what that meant but she couldn't articulate a response. She did, however, say that if she did find the receipt, she shouldn't even give it to me and should instead rip it up and eat it. I told her that this would be completely idiotic, but that for that reason alone I wouldn't put it past her. She then said that if she finds the receipt she will "eat it, then do a big shit on your bed and you can sift through my crap."

Awkward Moments, Buses and Dreams...

MONDAY

Went to school. Nothing exciting.

Mum made my brother come and pick me up after my Italian Conversation Classes. On the phone she explained that her blood pressure moniter "makes it difficult to drive". Imagining some huge contraption attached to her arms or some intravenous drip, I come home to realise that it is simply a small belt that she wears around her waist.

No idea why she has high blood pressure. She is a stay-at-home mum with grown up children; a housewife who does no housework. Go figure.

TUESDAY

Slept in, didn't have time for a shower. Washed my hair in the sink.

Went to school late. No one noticed.

Quote from my crazy English teacher, instructing someone to put some paperwork in her pidgeon hole:

"Yeah, when you're done just shove in my P-hole. Thanks".

WEDNESDAY

Finished school early, went to get lunch with L.G. On the same day, M.B finally got her first car and was able to drive and meet us, which was very exciting. Spoke about lots of things which were clearly overheard by the two people from my school sitting behind us. Awkward.

Was sitting at the desk at work, using mobile FaceBook, when a parent wandered behind me and stood there looking over my shoulder and asked "what are you playing?". Outraged on the inside only, I casually mumbled "Oh it's just facebook..." to which she nodded and then continued to read over my shoulder.

THURSDAY

Okay now I am not sure if this is just something I do, or whether everyone secretly does it and just never admits to it. But whenever I am walking the dogs or walking home from school or walking around the streets by myself and there is no one around, I will most likely be listening to my iPod too and will occasionally hum along. Okay, not just occasionally... pretty much all the time. And okay, not just a quiet hum or an NG-siren... I often sing aloud.

So on Thursday afternoon I was doing the usual walk home/belting session. No one was around but me and the trees. I was seriously singing this song as if I was auditioning for the 24th season of Australian Idol. Suddenly, I heard very fast footsteps coming up behind me as a woman going for a job quickly approached. Stopping in the middle of a big money-note, I continued walking as if it wasn't me making that noise. As she ran past me however, she slowed down and said:

"Oh don't stop singing, you have a lovely voice! It sounded great - keep going!!!"

Needless to say I felt so humiliated and embarrassed that I couldnt even speak. She didn't turn around to look at me as she kept running, which was good because by that stage I had literally taken cover, hiding behind a tree in shame.

I'm not going to tell you what song I was singing... that's probabnly the most embarrassing part.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and die!

However the second part of my evening made me wish I was dead even more, for very different reasons...

Once again, felt obliged to go and see another amateur musical theatre production. This time, it was literally one of the WORST things i have EVER seen, and I have seen a lot of terrible shows. It was absolutely painful and i want that three hours of my life back. Yep, that's right - three fucking hours. It was the longest show I've ever seen.

The cast paused every time a joke was made to make room for laughs. There were none.

Other times, the audience burst out laughing at times when clearly they weren't supposed to. For example, whenever the obese and morbidly homosexual cretin slinked onto the stage and stared up into the bright lights as if people had been waiting to see him, belting out a flat note.

The spotlights used were so small that they only covered the faces of the performers. It looked like there were heads floating around the stage.

Note: when a character sits down at the piano and starts playing it, actor SHOULD NOT rest their hands on the top of the piano half-way through the first verse.

FRIDAY

Buses running through red lights this week: 4

Had my singing recital today. Walked onto the stage with my pianist and about 40,000 pages of sheet music to read from. They all got mixed up and I ended up skipping from the start of the song to the end, to the middle, to the start, etc. Thankfully my pianist is a genius so was able to follow me.

In between songs, I went to take a gulp of water from the bottle I had brought on stage. When screwing the lid back on, my fingers slipped and I dropped the lid, which bounced and rolled away as I tried to chase it. On stage. In front of an audience.

SATURDAY

Did literally one the THE most awkward things I have EVER done in my entire life.

I had a casting session with my agent and a leading Casting Director. I had just walked in from the bathroom when my agent said "Go on, introduce yourself to Meagan".

In my nervousness, I hurriedly walked up to her, offering my handshake as I said:

"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Meagan!"

Not only did I call myself her name, I hadn't dried my hands properly. I gave her a wet handshake, too.

How I manage to do these things, no one will ever know.

At least she'll remember me...?

SUNDAY

Woke up from a shocking dream. I was sitting my English Exam and after having written only one out of three essays, I got distracted by something out the window and then spent the next two hours in a daydream. Time was up and I didn't even finish the first section.

I then had another dream in which I was a new employee at Donut King and had no idea what I was doing. This one wasn't quite as scary, but still made me feel uncomfortable.

This dream was followed by another about a bunch of people dismembered and hung from trees in a forest by a serial killer with no legs. I was being chased by some man who was running on his arms at an incredible speed.

The English Exam dream was still the scariest.

Sunday was also Fathers' Day. Gave my dad his DVD, which i had bought the night before at 5:30pm when I ran around a closed and empty shopping centre, looking for somewhere that was open. Woops.

Got about three hours of driving practise. Almost died at least twice.

I also realised a disgusting figure. My very limited diet mainly consists of cheeseburgers. Sadly, I had an especially large amount over the past 7 days and I am genuinely ashamed to reveal the total figure to you.

Total number of burgers eaten this week: 10

That’s 10 burgers in 6 days. Something needs to be done about this.

I wonder what next week will bring??